Advice For Dealing With Mean Girls

Stepping outside of the IT world for just a second, I thought I'd share a parenting story with you.  Parenting can give you unique insight on how people interact in the adult world as well.

Those of you with older kids will smile and nod at this story; those of you with younger children might want to prepare yourself for this very likely event.

And, like all stories, there are parallels everywhere.

The Mean Girl Problem

I have two daughters.  My older one had this problem a few years back, but the younger one is now encountering the exact same set of challenges.  For some reason, boys don't tend to pull this particular stunt.

Both my daughters are basically good kids.  They're reasonably smart, funny, polite and try and treat everyone with respect.  They assume the best from people, and treat others as they would hope to be treated.

Both have had problems with mean girls one or more times.  It tends to happen in the first two years of high school, based on my experience.

The trouble begins when some girl decides she doesn't like one of my daughters.  The target is identified, and the bullying begins.  The girl in question assembles her posse.  She convinces them to hate my daughter, and to convince others to do the same.

Gossip and innuendo are the weapons of choice.  Completely untrue lies are spread, repeated and amplified.

These days, it spills online.  Facebook, Twitter, etc. share the ugliness for all to see.  Malicious, mean and untrue thoughts are planted, copied and circulated in the echo chamber of today's internet.

Twice now, my daughters have approached me (usually in tears) and asked "what should I do?"

Understanding The Situation

I usually start with putting things in context.  Your tormentor is very insecure, I offer.  They feel threatened by you and all that you represent.  Just "you being you" makes them feel incredibly inadequate.  Simply put, you intimidate the hell out of them.

As a result, they feel completely justified in trying to level the playing field through whatever means are at hand.  Rather than improving themselves, they resort to tactics that are morally repugnant.
You can't control their behavior.  They are who they are.  The only thing you can control is how you decide to react.

If you decide to match their tactics, you are no better than they are.  However, if you take the high ground, stand by your principles, and consistently refute their claims, they may get tired of their game, and move on to more productive pursuits.

Sometimes It Can Get Out Of Hand

One time, one of my daughters confronted her tormentor at school in front of others.  

She was very clear about what this other girl was doing, and shared her thoughts about why she was doing it.  She said that she thought the other girl was very unhappy in her life, and ought to get some help from a professional.  And she hoped the other girl would see the error of her ways, and move on to be a better person.

Well, things escalated out of control after that, and school officials got involved -- but I was proud of the way my daughter handled the situation.  

The next time it happens -- and it will happen again -- she'll be prepared.

Parallels In The Real World?

We live in a very competitive IT industry -- one where all the players don't like each other.  Some of the players understandably feel very insecure and intimidated by the other, bigger and more successful kids.  That's understandable.  

Not surprisingly, some of them feel the need to level the playing field by any means at hand.

The same weapons used in high school are available here as well.  Making matters more interesting is that the lines between traditional journalism and free-for-all blogging have blurred -- we expect bloggers to say whatever, but we (perhaps naively) expect journalists to check their facts, or present a balanced perspective.  Sadly, this is becoming less frequent.

The principles still remain, though.  Understand why they're doing what they're doing.  Don't compromise your principles, and don't lower yourself to their tactics.  Refute their incorrect statements at every opportunity.

And hope they grow out of it before too long.

Comments

[Eric Irvin]

This is a great post. I find the same thing happening in the vendor-space. You have some people who recognize we are all professionals and trying to make a living. Others feel it's an us versus everyone else. You can go to a trade show or convention and some will come by, introduce themselves, and you can get along with them. Sure you aren't going to give them trade secrets, but at heart, you are in similar industries and dealing with similar issues and can compare scars and swap stories and pedigrees. Yet, there is always that once person who makes it a point to either sabotage a conversation with a potential new customer, or make a snide remark to you or something similar.
At heart your story is correct. These people are insecure and short-sighted. They do not understand empathy or that even their actions to hurt someone does not fully resolve the psychological reasons for their feels of inadequacy.

[Martin Hargreaves]

I think the difference is that at school, there's not a big interested set of observers making judgements from the outside on the behaviour of the people involved. In IT customers are watching this happen and are making judgements on the players involved.

I know the issue you're alluding to, and while it's aimed at influencing one set of people, another set (us customers) can see exactly what's happening and why, and make our minds up about the likely motives of the people that seem to be involved.

Absolutely you guys need to stick to your principles, we like doing business with principled partners, so the larger that set the better.

[Jonas Irwin]

My kids are young right now and reading this literally makes my toes curl in my shoes. I'm sure you've noticed that bullying in general is being discussed all over the country right now. The country seems to be trying to figure out how to legislate around this issue and I'm not convinced we can do it effectively AND keep our personal freedoms in tact

[Tami]

Great outline on real life today in both the world of children, and the world of work. Within my blog I try to be very fair and only outline either articles published or pure facts about the IT world within I exist. I don't lay blame or try to be hurtful and rude. Sadly, some do these days and think that is how they win their customers.

Your mean girl blog is a perfect reminder to all of us who have kids, and who deal with kids every day!

Cheers!

[Guy Chapman]

Thanks, Chuck, a characteristically thoughtful exposition.

It does happen with boys but I guess not so often, as boys are more likely to escalate to physical interaction (my 16-year-old son now out-masses me and can beat me in a fair fight. Must fight dirtier...)

Actually one place you see this a lot is with internet harassment. People hide behind anonymity to do things they lack the courage to do face to face. We get a lot on Wikipedia. It's insidious and takes time to kill.

I guess the lesson is: rise above it. Show class and have the confidence and patience to wait until the rest of the world twigs that their actions say more about them than about you.